my not-so-secret love affair

Pete doesn't mind the other man in my life. It's not like I'm with him all the time. But I do very much enjoy a rendezvous on the beach, in a hotel room, or strolling in San Francisco. Sometimes Pete even reaps the benefits of how frisky I can get when it's the three of us, if ya know what I mean!

Meet Mike.

Sometimes I have a certain... thirst. And he is the only one that can quench it. Every once in a while he'll make me dizzy. Oh, Little Audience, as if that weren't enough, there's more...

I can get him Harder, or Big, if I need to. Mmmmm... Mike... I do love you.

I love chillin' with Mike at the beach on a hot day.

At the hotel, I need Mike like my baby needs milk.

Pete picks me flowers, Mike holds them. What a lucky goy-uhl.

Me and Mike, keepin' it on the down-low in San Fran.

Idol

SOooo ~ I heard they used the season-save on "Big Mike" last night. You know what this means, right? This means you are now responsible to cast your vote for your favorite, or here-by do not complain if

1. he/she gets sent packin'!
2. your least favorite sticks around to drive you crazy until season's end, and possibly even win! (that would totally piss you off)

On that same notej~ I guess we'll have to either stop complaining about Ryan's inflated ego and the poor decision to add Ellen to the show, or stop watching, won't we? Like it or lump it!

Cast your votes, people! It's free, and it only takes a few minutes to cast several votes. I happen to be personally responsible for Fantasia's win (and I would not take it back, thankyouverymuch, I love her), as well as Taylor Hick's (ugh! I don't wanna talk about it!).

Siobhan is my favorite voice on the show this year; it's deep and unique. Her personality was cute and quirky at first, but I'm a little leary of her overdoing it. And please, no more piercing screams until the finale!

Speaking of overdoing it, how 'bout that little geek's hypnotic stare last week after Usher told him to connect with the audience?? Oh my gawd, how embarassing! It was like Constantine-goes-Brady! Casey also reminds me of Constantine (season 4), and I just can't forgive him for it. Coincidentally (or is it?) I keep missing all of Casey's supposedly great performances...

I know a lot of you are big fans of the hippy, and I can certainly understand why. She's a great singer. I wonder how far she'll get... You better vote if you want her to stay in! She's not getting my vote unless it's down to her and Lee or Andrew.

Aaron Kelly ~ I think he's very talented and wouldn't mind if he sticks around for a spell.

Katie ~ Pete thinks she looks like me when I was a teenager. I'm still trying to decide whether I'll take that as a compliment... she is awfully cute.

'til next time... VOTE, SUCK-UHZ!

Easter is retarded, people

Sorry kids. But I feel that you are old enough for me to be honest about this.


Eeevery siiingle year I grudgingly go to get Easter baskets at the very last minute. One year... oh wait, this has happened almost every year... I found myself in the store the night before Easter, trying to pull something together for the kids out of the crap left over from the crap that the store had to begin with. Even though I always say I'm not going to spend a lot of money, that shit adds up. You just can't win. If you try to go the "cheap" route, you end up with a bunch of SHIT that might as well be thrown away the next day. The aisles are full of this crap. Bunny-themed crap, and egg-themed crap. Who wants this shit come Monday? Nobody. So there goes your hard-earned money, in the garbage. My alternative has been to get the girls something they'll really like and present it all Eastery-like. Which means spending money on quality items, then buying some of the crap anyway.

I resent the fake grass. It disgusts me to see 2 entire shelves, taking up half the aisle at the store, of just plastic grass in plastic bags. The paper grass and (small) variety of "new" colors gave some dim glimmer of improvement once upon a time, but let's face it - it's still stupid to spend money on this crap.

And eeevery siiingle year I struggle with the decision of holding onto the leftover shit for next year. I usually manage to keep it until around November, when I have to perform my version of spring cleaning because of all the birthdays we have right before Christmas. This is when I happen upon the grass and plastic eggs and know that I should keep them, but just hate them so much that I throw them away! I know it doesn't make any sense.

But Easter doesn't make any sense. It doesn't make any sense, people!!! It is just a total joke to say that this is somehow celebrating the resurrection of Jesus. You either are not religious and you're just playing along because your kids would think you don't love them if you didn't participate in the charades of this "holiday". Or you are religious, and maybe you go through the whole Lent thing. What is that? You give something up for a few weeks to prove something to yourself or to God? What are you proving? That it's possible for you to go without something for a while (big whoop you glutton, that's called a diet), but all the while you are looking forward to gorging yourself on it on the big day? That is retarded.

And why is Christmas different? Oh, I'm sorry, did I say Christmas? I meant the "Holiday Season". It just feels different, okay? Whether or not you are religious, and whether you spend a lot of money or no money at all, and whether you give a gift wrapped prettily or you give the gift of a kind word, there is a spirit called the Christmas Spirit, and it feels good. The Easter "spirit" is all about WASTING a bazillion hard-boiled eggs, filling landfills with plastic shit, and risking a diabetic coma (which is what Halloween is for, thank you very much).

I will admit that as an adult I have enjoyed certain things of Easters past. With some effort, for my kids' sake, I have embraced coloring eggs, and the good ol' egg hunt, and with no effort at all I have embraced the tradition of spending time with my cousins and all of our kids.

And now, Little Audience, I must shower, get myself and the baby dressed, pack the diaper bag, drive outta town and buy some shit. Wish me luck.


Easter, how much do I hate thee? Let me count the ways I just called you ca ca:
"shit": 6
"crap": 7

ri.damn.diculous.

Well I seemed to have struck a nerve with some of you. TEE-HEE. ME LIKEY. You like to talk about what gets your goat, Little Audience!


When I mentioned a couple of my pet peeves on Facebook, y'all jumped right on the band wagon and talked about some of yours, from wire hangers to mispelled words to stupid people.


When I got a little more into it and posted my first blog entry, you got a little worked up! I heard about more pet peeves, including

• phrases such as "it is what it is" and "just put it up"
• when some idiot says "Valentimes Day"
• attributing trivial things to God
• when women throw themselves at me - what a pain in the ass! HEY, HOW'D THIS GET IN HERE?? . . . GEORGE!!!!

as well as some work-related peeves. And, uh, littering seems to be more than a pet peeve with quite a few of you. You actually loathe it with a bit of a passion. Understandably so.

You've enjoyed one of my peeves in particular... misuse of the word "literally". Over the last couple of weeks I've heard "literally" used correctly and sarcastically ~ combined, possibly more than I've heard it during my entire life... for realz. COULDN'T DO IT. TOO OBVIOUS. I heard that just this last week, good ol' Pat Sajak preached about misuse of this word from his great 'Wheel' platform! Thank you, Whomever among my Little Audience that forwarded my blog to Pat! Maybe next week he'll give a tip on raising an Asshole!

Today my funny work friend forwarded this:
Ha ha. Good times.

Of course, I've had time to think of more things that get under my skin:

• unnecessarily using words to clarify letters (for example, it makes sense to say "s as in sam" because "s" can sound like "f". However, it is unnecessary to say "u like umbrella" or better yet "w like walrus". Hello???? Meet your alphabet ~ there is no other letter that sounds like "double-yoo"!)
• on that same note ~ when it is necessary to use a word to clarify the letter, and you do something like this: "p like paul"... excuse me, Dumbass, was that "p like paul" or "t like tall"?? This is kind of defeating the purpose!
• this is annoying: some customers are so proud of themselves for having their account number ready when they call, they insist on providing it. Pay attention to the syllables (but try to stay awake)...

customer: "Can you give me my account balance?"

me: "No problem. What's your address?"

customer: "Can I give you my account number?"

me: ".... sure"

customer (suddenly a droning robot):

ze-ro, ze-ro, ze-ro, two, sev-en, dash, ze-ro, ze-ro, three, eight,ze-ro,
five, dash, ze-ro, nine, sev-en"

I pull up the account for:

one-two-one Main Street

last (for this entry), but not least: the first pet peeve of mine
that I can remember ever having. When someone says "itch" in
place of "scratch" (they have an itch they want scratched
and they say "itch it"). Oh em gee. Get a life.

Well. I feel better.

until next time... xo

I just want to take a minute to say a few things to you, Little Audience.

All of your positive feedback has been very encouraging and it feels great to have made you laugh (out loud even). I was a little nervous about disappointing you though, after riding the Asshole wave. I've consulted my motivational blogga (butterflyanddog) and she says not to worry. So I am moving forward with my next draft and I want to warn you - it's not as funny by any means. But I promise you this: it serves the 3 purposes stated in the 'About Me' section to the right. Also, there will be more sarcasm and bashing of the human race in the near future.

And speaking of the future, I welcome topic suggestions and have already received some. Funny how great minds think alike - two suggestions were already in my draft-cache; they are hereditary craziness and American Idol, two things I happen to consider myself an expert on. And yes, pet peeves will be a recurring topic.

Until next time.... xo

Purple Rain

I just realized that I've been avoiding the song "Purple Rain" ever since my mom died.

This story actually begins in January when I decided to pull out a Prince CD Pete gave me for Mothers Day last year that I had not yet given a proper chance. After spending most of November and December mourning Michael Jackson's passing, I decided it was time to celebrate the living. I wondered fleetingly how I could've neglected Prince for so many years, but wasn't looking for an answer... just another musical love affair thrown to the wayside when the next flavor came along. But when I put in the CD (of newer music, released in 2007), I remembered that this was never just some affair, this is the purple Prince of Pop. It was all I listened to in February. By mid-March I was craving something different but the thirst for Prince was not quenched. I bought a 'best of'' CD when I got my netbook, and couldn't wait to make it the first music on my new toy. I downloaded late last night and listened first thing this morning. Very enjoyable. Wanna be Your Lover, 1999, Little Red Corvette, When Doves Cry, Let's go Crazy... I was totally in a groove, cleaning and cooking breakfast, shakin' my booty to get a laugh outta my son.

When the first chords of "Purple Rain" came on, I felt them on my heart strings. I realize this is terribly corny and I apologize. I'm not aiming for a cheesy metaphor. I'm telling you that I felt it, physically, in the area of my heart. When I heard the first verse, a flood of emotions overwhelmed me and brought me to tears in an instant. I was caught off guard by the feelings of missing my mom. I've become very good at avoiding things that can trigger this. There was a period of time when I was about 12 years old - I'd say maybe 4 to 6 months - during which my mom and I put on either Purple Rain (the movie) or Heartburn (you've probably never heard of it) at least once during every single weekend. For a couple of minutes today, as I listened to the lyrics for the first time in many years, 75% of me was back in the dingy living room of Elmer's shitty house, sitting on the ugly old carpet with my mom at the table behind me... loving this movie because it's not just entertaining (and quite naughty), but it's something that takes my mother's attention away from Elmer for a while. The other 25% of me was standing in my kitchen with a spatula in my hand, suddenly sobbing, knowing that these brief moments, when I allow them, are the only times I will ever spend with my mother for the rest of my life.

Meet my mother, Andrea. She was gone ten years this January, and she would have been 55 this April.

My mother's father, Frank, left his first wife, Eileen, for his mistress. He married the mistress, Linda ~ and they had my mom. Then he left Linda and took my mom with him back to Eileen and their two daughters.

First of all, my grandmother Linda was an alcoholic (like, big time). Second, there is some evidence my mom may have had Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. Also, her father suffered from manic depression and an addictive personality (he took to alcohol and vitamins). So as far as being set up to fail, she pretty much had it made. Her father died in a car accident when she was in her early twenties. Something inside her snapped and so began her demise. Almost right away she fell in love-at-first-sight with a man twice her age on a bus. She had an affair and divorce soon followed. I was a toddler at the time, and I went to live with Gramma (that would be Linda, the raging alcoholic) while my mother chased Dick. Oh, excuse me ~ I forgot to tell you the old man on the bus was named Dick. Apropos.

See Dick. See Dick run. See Mommy run after Dick. See Dick run and hide. Repeat. Repeat. See Mommy look for new dick.

You get the picture.

My mom was a fun-loving woman, and certain aspects of being a mother were appealing to her. Creating the coolest playhouse in our basement was a project that she enjoyed. She delighted in finding miniature versions of "real" things, such as the tiny jar of Best Foods mayo that was perfectly proportionate to my little ply-wood refrigerator. Every Halloween, whether I lived with her or with Gramma, I became her little dolly. She came up with the costume idea every year, she busted out the sewing machine and made a killer costume, and she loved doing my makeup. She loved planning my birthday parties. I've had a roller-skating clown at my house, as well as a magician that pulled a rabbit out of a hat, and I got to invite friends to a cabin in Tahoe one year and another year we got our own room and room service in a big "fancy" hotel.

Andrea was also a huge fan of all things gross! Two of her long-term boyfriends (Dick and Elmer) were really gross, on many levels. Her all-time favorite movie character was the truck driver in Thelma & Louise - she loooved him!!! She liked men-on-men porn. **Hey, moms out there: your kids do not need to know certain things about you, okay?** Although she had good taste generally speaking, and liked cute little sports cars, she got a kick out of owning an orange and brown Gremlin... in the 90s!! Oh my God, the horror of being a 15-year old in Walnut Creek whose mom drove a Gremlin. I was so glad when that piece of shit broke down after a week or two!

She was a really good cook. But fun and gross prevailed, even in the kitchen. Every Thanksgiving, without fail, she would make some nasty turkey-neck jokes. One time she shaped our meatloaf into a huge cock-n-balls.

Damn I miss her.

Granted, she was no June Cleaver. On the contrary, she had great disdain for women of "that nature". But we had a lot of fun together, especially when I was finally old enough to drink with her. You know ~ 15.

I will not take any more of your time trying to explain this statement, but I do believe she was my biggest fan. And I think I was her best friend. I know I tried. After I lost her, I realized that she did her best, as we all do.



I never meant to cause you any sorrow.
I never meant to cause you any pain.
I only wanted to one time see you laughing.
I only wanted to see you laughing in the purple rain.

How to Raise an Asshole

There are so many books out there on raising children. So many "experts", articles, TV spots, websites, etc. with advice on raising happy, confident children up to well-adjusted, contributing members of society. What if that is not your intention? Where is the advice for parents that would rather produce an asshole? As my 1-yr-old son loves to say, "Here it is!"

Based on what I've seen in my 34 years, chances are pretty good that your child will grow up to be asshole, even with little to no help on your part. You see, throughout his life there will be no shortage of assholes leading the way. Also, recurring traumatic events might play a part. Let's say you've been listening to the "experts" (or your instincts) and your child is turning out to be a somewhat intelligent, considerate, polite adolescent. If you stop lending that support you've been doling out left and right, and instead do yourself a favor and focus on some "Me Time", this big ol' nasty world can and will step in and do the rest! Teachers, "friends", bullies, girlfriends/boyfriends, bosses, co-workers ~ all potential assholes. With your sudden disinterest in his happiness (traumatic event #1), how will he deal with these assholes and the unjusts of life? You guessed it...

But if you have the opportunity to start fresh and would like to ensure the outcome, there are things you can do.

1. Don't spoil your baby! Let him cry! The "experts" would disagree. But you don't want to start this little asshole off thinking that you care, right? When he comes out of the womb and is crying to be held, give him a taste of what the world is really about: NOT HIM!


2. During infancy, as often as possible, tell him what is yours so that he will not mistake it for his own. This teaches about personal possession. For example, when he reaches for your keys or your cell phone, hold the item close to your body and shout "MINE!"


3. Grabbing things out of his hands, even when it's not for his own protection, teaches him not to be one of those sissies that says "please"


4. And speaking of "please", if you don't want him to learn "thank you" (and why would you? assholes don't say that), give him whatever he wants, whenever he wants it. The sky's the limit for your little asshole! Not only will he not appreciate what you give him, you will soon find him demanding from you even that which is not readily available for you to give. When this technique is done properly, you will find yourself very much in debt and when he's sucked you completely dry you'll be eating that asshole's dust.


5. Get him used to the word "No" as soon as possible. You can yell it, whine it, say it with or without conviction. You'll find that the sooner and more often you say it, the younger he will be when he starts saying it. A toddler that says "No" to everyone and everything is an indicator that you are on your way to raising an asshole! Good job!


6. Any physical abuse is a guarantee that your child will be an asshole ~ and probably a big one! I don't have any really specific tips here as I haven't had any experience in this area. But I do know that ABUSE = ASSHOLE!


7. Assholes don't care about feelings. So don't share yours, and don't ask about theirs.


8. Assholes don't need an education. This is particularly convenient for you as a parent, because you won't need to waste time checking homework or motivating your child to do well in school.

You're welcome.