Easter is retarded, people

Sorry kids. But I feel that you are old enough for me to be honest about this.


Eeevery siiingle year I grudgingly go to get Easter baskets at the very last minute. One year... oh wait, this has happened almost every year... I found myself in the store the night before Easter, trying to pull something together for the kids out of the crap left over from the crap that the store had to begin with. Even though I always say I'm not going to spend a lot of money, that shit adds up. You just can't win. If you try to go the "cheap" route, you end up with a bunch of SHIT that might as well be thrown away the next day. The aisles are full of this crap. Bunny-themed crap, and egg-themed crap. Who wants this shit come Monday? Nobody. So there goes your hard-earned money, in the garbage. My alternative has been to get the girls something they'll really like and present it all Eastery-like. Which means spending money on quality items, then buying some of the crap anyway.

I resent the fake grass. It disgusts me to see 2 entire shelves, taking up half the aisle at the store, of just plastic grass in plastic bags. The paper grass and (small) variety of "new" colors gave some dim glimmer of improvement once upon a time, but let's face it - it's still stupid to spend money on this crap.

And eeevery siiingle year I struggle with the decision of holding onto the leftover shit for next year. I usually manage to keep it until around November, when I have to perform my version of spring cleaning because of all the birthdays we have right before Christmas. This is when I happen upon the grass and plastic eggs and know that I should keep them, but just hate them so much that I throw them away! I know it doesn't make any sense.

But Easter doesn't make any sense. It doesn't make any sense, people!!! It is just a total joke to say that this is somehow celebrating the resurrection of Jesus. You either are not religious and you're just playing along because your kids would think you don't love them if you didn't participate in the charades of this "holiday". Or you are religious, and maybe you go through the whole Lent thing. What is that? You give something up for a few weeks to prove something to yourself or to God? What are you proving? That it's possible for you to go without something for a while (big whoop you glutton, that's called a diet), but all the while you are looking forward to gorging yourself on it on the big day? That is retarded.

And why is Christmas different? Oh, I'm sorry, did I say Christmas? I meant the "Holiday Season". It just feels different, okay? Whether or not you are religious, and whether you spend a lot of money or no money at all, and whether you give a gift wrapped prettily or you give the gift of a kind word, there is a spirit called the Christmas Spirit, and it feels good. The Easter "spirit" is all about WASTING a bazillion hard-boiled eggs, filling landfills with plastic shit, and risking a diabetic coma (which is what Halloween is for, thank you very much).

I will admit that as an adult I have enjoyed certain things of Easters past. With some effort, for my kids' sake, I have embraced coloring eggs, and the good ol' egg hunt, and with no effort at all I have embraced the tradition of spending time with my cousins and all of our kids.

And now, Little Audience, I must shower, get myself and the baby dressed, pack the diaper bag, drive outta town and buy some shit. Wish me luck.


Easter, how much do I hate thee? Let me count the ways I just called you ca ca:
"shit": 6
"crap": 7