How to Raise an Asshole

There are so many books out there on raising children. So many "experts", articles, TV spots, websites, etc. with advice on raising happy, confident children up to well-adjusted, contributing members of society. What if that is not your intention? Where is the advice for parents that would rather produce an asshole? As my 1-yr-old son loves to say, "Here it is!"

Based on what I've seen in my 34 years, chances are pretty good that your child will grow up to be asshole, even with little to no help on your part. You see, throughout his life there will be no shortage of assholes leading the way. Also, recurring traumatic events might play a part. Let's say you've been listening to the "experts" (or your instincts) and your child is turning out to be a somewhat intelligent, considerate, polite adolescent. If you stop lending that support you've been doling out left and right, and instead do yourself a favor and focus on some "Me Time", this big ol' nasty world can and will step in and do the rest! Teachers, "friends", bullies, girlfriends/boyfriends, bosses, co-workers ~ all potential assholes. With your sudden disinterest in his happiness (traumatic event #1), how will he deal with these assholes and the unjusts of life? You guessed it...

But if you have the opportunity to start fresh and would like to ensure the outcome, there are things you can do.

1. Don't spoil your baby! Let him cry! The "experts" would disagree. But you don't want to start this little asshole off thinking that you care, right? When he comes out of the womb and is crying to be held, give him a taste of what the world is really about: NOT HIM!


2. During infancy, as often as possible, tell him what is yours so that he will not mistake it for his own. This teaches about personal possession. For example, when he reaches for your keys or your cell phone, hold the item close to your body and shout "MINE!"


3. Grabbing things out of his hands, even when it's not for his own protection, teaches him not to be one of those sissies that says "please"


4. And speaking of "please", if you don't want him to learn "thank you" (and why would you? assholes don't say that), give him whatever he wants, whenever he wants it. The sky's the limit for your little asshole! Not only will he not appreciate what you give him, you will soon find him demanding from you even that which is not readily available for you to give. When this technique is done properly, you will find yourself very much in debt and when he's sucked you completely dry you'll be eating that asshole's dust.


5. Get him used to the word "No" as soon as possible. You can yell it, whine it, say it with or without conviction. You'll find that the sooner and more often you say it, the younger he will be when he starts saying it. A toddler that says "No" to everyone and everything is an indicator that you are on your way to raising an asshole! Good job!


6. Any physical abuse is a guarantee that your child will be an asshole ~ and probably a big one! I don't have any really specific tips here as I haven't had any experience in this area. But I do know that ABUSE = ASSHOLE!


7. Assholes don't care about feelings. So don't share yours, and don't ask about theirs.


8. Assholes don't need an education. This is particularly convenient for you as a parent, because you won't need to waste time checking homework or motivating your child to do well in school.

You're welcome.